I watched the movie ”Women” this weekend. In the movie (not spoiling the ending), the Meg Ryan character hits what she calls bottom, and finally asks herself ‘What Do I Want?”. She took out a black felt marker and wrote that question on the top of a page, and then went on to write down what she believed she wanted from the deepest recesses of herself. She went on to create a vision board.

After clarifying her wants, she took action. You have to see the movie to see how it turns out. It wasn’t without bumps in her road.

I have experienced that many people will give lip service to their wants or complain about what is not in their life. Some will write one thing or two, and when events don’t appear the way they specify, the focus on the list goes away. It is replaced with compromise or complaining or giving up.

One of my clients had a strong desire for her perfect boyfriend. She sat with me and wrote her list, starting with her 5 non-compromisable characteristics, those deal breakers. Next were listed items that were negotiable, and finishing her list with characteristics and appearances that would be nice.

Very quickly she met what she described at the perfect man. Within months they were exclusive and started living together. Almost immediately she witnessed a behavior in this man that was on her non-compromisable list. When she brought it to his attention, he told her he would change for her. Unfortunately his behavior did not change, in fact it escalated and he started telling her that she was too demanding. This woman was not willing to see how this non-compromisable item on her list was only a hope and not a commitment.

After two years of struggle, she left this man and went through a painful healing process. She pulled out her list again, and this time she was very clear about what was important to her. The short story is that she is now with a man who not only matches every characteristic on her list, he has the same non-compromisable items that she does. They are headed towards marriage, something they both desire to share with each other. She proudly tells people that she got everything on her list, with bonuses. This man brought new adventures into her life, she had not previously imagined.

I have a client who wants to expand her business with clients that fit a specific description. Every time she accepts a client “because she needs the money”, instead of focusing on clients that fit her perfect client as described on her list, she has problems. She continues to have money problems clients. Her “for the money” clients are taking the majority of her time and a few have asked for their money back.

These days I add Michael Phelps to my examples of how it works when you write it down. This year he revealed how he had a piece of paper, his intention list in his bedroom and after his remarkable wins at the Olympics in an interview with Bob Costas: “What was on that much talked about piece of paper? You wish list or your intention list?”
Phelps:” I think you saw it. It was all there, I think the only difference was the 200 fly, but other than that everything was pretty close to, pretty close to identical to what was written on the piece of paper.”

Knowing what you desire and are willing to be committed to is most important when writing this list. Being specific is critical. I hear the word “honesty” being placed on many non-compromisable lists. I always ask – what does honesty mean? Is honest defined as ALL the time, or is there a disclaimer when it comes to the IRS or telemarketers?? You must know the true definition of the words you choose to use.

What is on your list works when you place your commitment to your desires. Being conscious and taking conscious action is required. This works in all areas of life.
What type of life do you want?

What is non-compromisable in business, career, health, friends, relationships?

What is negotiable?

Write it down.